duke_of_illusions | domesticity

"And you had no way of knowing it."

Quiet, but firm.

"I've managed to hide much worse from my own brother." He hesitates, sighs. "... it may be a family trait, come to think of it."

Al strokes Barma's hair. "The point is that I was also deliberately hiding those feelings from you as well. ... I won't be doing that anymore."

"Yes. I want to help you work on skills that'll let you bring these things up on your own."

Touching his cheek and throat, softly.

"It sounds hard for you."

"Yeah. I want to help everyone I know work on those particular skills." A small smile.

He gratefully leans into the touches, craving them.

"It... is difficult, bringing up painful things. I hate the feeling of having to rely on someone, even if I'm always asking others to rely on me. I guess it's a feeling of being weak, somehow... you always want to believe you can manage on your own."

"I know that feeling."

Sighing.

"You are very strong," he reminds him softly.

"And it takes a lot of courage to be you. I'm very proud, and very honored, to know that you have trusted me even a little."

He gently touches his cheek with a fingertip, smiling warmly.

"I'm going to try to make sure a mistake like this doesn't happen again."

Just as sincere.

"Would you like me to wait outside while you talk to Break? He needn't see me."

"Thank you," he whispers again, touching his face.

But for the rest, he takes a deep breath and shakes his head.

"No. With as many negative feelings as you two hold for each other, I know he wouldn't want you to be watching us. And he'd feel betrayed if he found out I knew you'd been there."

He strokes Barma's hair. He'd do the same, the other way around.

"All right. But I'll wait for you in my room- in case you need me afterwards."

"I might," he admits, very softly. He looks worried, and pained.

This is going to hurt Break terribly.

"Would you be comfortable bending the truth to protect his feelings?"

"It would depend on how much I'd have to bend it," he murmurs.

"Most people experience bottom drop when they've either gone through a very difficult scene, or when they've done something intensely emotional, like we have today. If you approached him to ask him if he ever gets it, and that I warned you about it because of what we had done here, it would suggest that your own experiences with it were- perhaps more limited? He would be free to extrapolate, if he wished."

Al has to smile, aching.

"I'll do that," he promises, with a deep sigh. "But knowing him, he'll still worry about it terribly. He's very sensitive when it comes to pain, especially if he believes he's at fault."

That blind love for him comes through in Al's voice.

Barma sighs, still not content with the whole thing, but no longer about to snap.

"Is there anything else you've wondered about?"

"Nothing I can think of right now," he reassures him, leaning in to brush soft kisses over his cheeks.

"If I think of anything, I'll come right to you and ask."

"Do you get the same feelings after you've topped?"

Curious.

"Not as often," he confesses. "But if it's really intense, yes- or if I happened to come close to hurting someone. Or if I did."

Quietly.

"I cut Xerxes up one time. I wasn't in my right mind. He enjoyed it, but- I was cruel. The same thing happened with Ryo, but he was able to safeword and bring me out of it."

Al shakes his head.

"It's those times... when I realize I could be dangerous to someone I love. That's when it happens."

"It's about that altered state."

He explains.

"Talk to your partner."

A deep breath, and then he lets it out.

He never got a chance, with Break. He'd completely shut out that horror, never really dealt with the guilt.

Finally he nods.

"Do you ever get that?"

"I do. As you said, mostly after a scene with mixed results."

"... I just shut down."

He sighs. "I get numb and I withdraw, and lose track of time. I don't get teary unless I talk to someone."

"Will you stay the night?"

He offers, quietly.

"Tonight, I mean."

"Please."

A little smile.

"I want to be here for you, too."

"Good."

He's going to need to keep close to him for a while, after this.

Al reaches out to stroke his hair, fingers trailing down the side of his neck, comforting.

"It's not your fault," he whispers, lips brushing his ear. "And not for a moment do I blame you."

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